


A Courtship

by Trickster_Angel



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Felix needs to fix his attempts at seduction, Humor, Kidnapping, Light Angst, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Theft, Threats of Violence, Wash lives in an apartment and everyone's crazy, felix needs to shut his mouth at some point, hopefully soon, mandatory rwby reference was included
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 05:17:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5526857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trickster_Angel/pseuds/Trickster_Angel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A.K.A. Three times something was taken from Wash and one time something was given.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sassyandsodone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassyandsodone/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas. :)

1.

The first thing Wash recognized as he drifted out of his dream was his alarm clock beeping. He smashed his hand on the night stand, trying to find the clock. Once he had successfully grabbed it, he turned off the alarm, wishing he could go back to sleep. He looked over at his roommate’s bed. Thankfully, like most mornings, Caboose was undisturbed by the noise. In order to survive in their apartment, you had to be a heavy sleeper. Caboose had it mastered but Wash was still working on it.

Wash kicked off the blankets and tiptoed around the room, getting dressed and making the bed. Caboose didn’t have work until the afternoon and often slept in. Wash couldn’t blame him. Ever since Tucker’s baby had joined their three man crew, nights became very hard to sleep through.

Wash heard footsteps outside the room and the scrapping of chairs in their kitchen. Their other two apartment-mates were awake. Wash walked to the door, slowly turning the handle to avoid the click of the lock and snuck out, leaving Caboose asleep in their room.

“Morning, Wash,” Tucker said as soon as the door was closed. He sat at their table and Junior was in his high chair, refusing the mush his father was trying to give him.

“Come on, little dude,” Tucker said softly, “Don’t you want it?”

“How’d he sleep last night?” Wash asked, getting some cereal for himself.

“You know the expression ‘slept like a baby’?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s a baby, and he didn’t fucking sleep like one. Chased off my date.”

Wash took a moment to give Tucker a confused look. “You brought someone home last night? When you have a baby?”

“I’m a single dad, not dead. I met her in the park, when I went for a walk with Junior.” Tucker regarded Wash for a second. “You know, you got a lot in common with her.”

“I do?”

“Yeah. You both dye your hair blond. She could probably give you some tips though. Help you find a color better suited to you.”

Wash glared at Tucker but didn’t respond. The man had something against his hair color and Wash didn’t know what. “How many times did Junior cry last night?” he asked, electing to ignore the commentary on his hair.

“Two. Kai left after the first time. How many did you hear?”

“I think I heard one,” Wash said, trying to recall when he’d woken up. But he’d fallen back asleep so quickly, it had barely registered that he’d awakened.

“You’re sleeping,” Tucker said as he managed to get the spoon into Junior’s mouth, “That’s good. At least you’re not having nightmares anymore.” Junior swallowed the food and made a disgusted face. “It’s not that bad, dude,” his father said encouragingly.

“Yeah,” Wash agreed absentmindedly, taking a bite of cereal. Watching Tucker feed his son was always entertaining, as the kid was a picky eater. He did not like the mashed peaches Tucker was trying to give him.

“You know what,” Tucker said as Junior rejected another spoonful, “fine.” He got up and retrieved some formula from the refrigerator. He poured it into one of Junior’s bottles and lifted his son out of the high chair to feed him.

“Are you working today?” Wash asked between mouthfuls.

“Yeah. Do you have classes today?” Tucker shot back.

“Yeah,” Wash replied, “Need me to babysit this afternoon?”

“If you can.”

“I’m off at one but I have a class at six thirty. One of you will need to be back by then.”

“Is Caboose working?”

“I don’t know.”

Tucker shrugged. “Whatever dude. I’m sure Doc will watch him if we ask.”

“Make sure Sarge isn’t around,” Wash deadpanned. While Doc never minded babysitting, Sarge never seemed to like Junior. Despite the fact that Doc didn’t even live in the Blood Gulch Apartments, he seemed to spend all his time in their neighbor’s apartment. Even if the kid did cry a lot and annoyed the hell out of everyone in the building, they couldn’t help but like him. Well, most of them liked him anyway.

“I’ll find someone to watch him if you’re not back in time,” Wash said.

“Okay, dude,” Tucker replied, before looking back at his son. Wash couldn’t help but smile. Tucker was a good father to his son and it was heartwarming to watch.

Wash finished up his cereal and ran to the bathroom. He was annoyed that his brown roots were starting to show again. He’d need to dye his hair soon. He much preferred the way he looked blond than brunet.

Fifteen minutes later, he grabbed his backpack and left the apartment. At twenty-four, he felt a little old for college sometimes, but he was getting a good deal. Between his time in the military and Project Freelancer and the scholarships he was getting, his education was completely paid for so it was worth going. Even when it consumed all his time.

 As soon as he left the apartment, their neighbor’s door opened. A young woman with curly platinum blonde hair and dark skin walked out. Wash knew for a fact that four men lived in that apartment. Five, if you counted Doc being a semi-permanent guest.

“Hey, are you Tucker’s roommate?” she asked in a high pitched voice.

“Um, yeah,” Wash said, unsure of where this was going.

“Could you give this back to him?” she asked and handed over a teal shirt, “And tell him thanks for the night.”

“Sure,” Wash said.

“Thanks,” she said with a smile and turned back to the apartment, “Thanks for letting me stay over.”

“Wait, Tucker?” Wash recognized the voice of Grif, “You slept with Tucker?”

Kai replied, “I sure did. You don’t need to look out for me anymore. I can look out for myself.” She walked past Wash, head held high.

Grif sighed angrily and closed the door, leaving Wash in the hallway alone.

“Was that Kai?” Tucker asked from inside the apartment.

“Yeah,” Wash replied, throwing the shirt at Tucker, “Here.”

“So that’s where it went,” he marveled.

Wash had had enough for one morning and left, closing the door behind him.

He walked to the staircase went downstairs. As he walked out of the stairwell, he saw one of the apartment doors open and Felix walked out. The man’s neck was covered in hickeys. Nothing new there really. Everyone in the apartment building knew Locus and Felix were fucking. They could hear all of it on a good day.

Felix was wearing a dark green collared shirt and absolutely nothing else. Wash made eye contact with him and tried very hard to maintain it.

“What, never seen a half-naked man before?” Felix teased him, “You should look down when you’re in the shower sometimes. There’re fun things down there. I could help you out, if you wanted.”

“I’m sure you could, if your lungs are half as good as you are,” Wash retorted.

Felix laughed at that. “You hear us?”

“Only the entire neighborhood does.”

“You should join in on the fun sometime, Wash.”

Wash was between half a dozen replies when he decided that nothing was appropriate to the situation. He recollected himself and said, “That doesn’t look like yours.” Felix always wore orange or black, which matched his orange tipped hair perfectly. The green didn’t suit him at all.

“I steal from the ones I like,” he replied coyly before walking down the hallway to his own apartment. Wash decided he didn’t want to know what went on in that apartment. Some nights, Felix and Locus were louder than Junior, and that was an accomplishment. Something Felix seemed to take pride in.

Wash continued out to the parking lot and found his car. It was a beat up old thing, but his family had given it to him when he announced that he was going to college. Not that they could afford a fancy car but it meant a lot to Wash since he couldn’t even afford a junk car.

The windows had to be rolled down, the radio couldn’t pick up any stations and regardless of whether you wanted the heat or the AC, the car blasted cold air. But Wash could drive to Chorus University and it was the only car anyone in his apartment had. After turning the key three times, the hunk of junk on wheels finally started.

“I know that feeling,” Wash said to the car.

-

As a liberal arts major with no fucking clue where his life was going, Wash had to take a variety of classes. His day started out with a math class, followed by history, and then a writing class. After several hours sitting in the small, uncomfortable desks, Wash was ready to go back to the apartment, even if it meant babysitting the kid. He trudged along to the parking lot, absolutely exhausted.

People were coming and going as a new round of classes was about to start. Wash walked up to his car and saw someone standing there. Heart jumping in his chest, Wash ran over, hoping it wasn’t a cop about to give him a ticket. He’d get the car inspected. Eventually. When he thought it could pass.

Luckily enough, it wasn’t a cop. It was Andersmith, one of the freshmen in his history class.

“What are you doing here?” Wash asked coolly.

“Sorry,” Andersmith said, “I just noticed your car, and I swear I didn’t do it.” Wash turned to his car and noticed what Andersmith was talking about. His passenger side window was broken.

“Oh no,” Wash, unlocking the car and looking to see if anything had been stolen. He didn’t keep much in his car but that apparently didn’t deter whoever tried to break into it.

“No, no, no, no, no,” he chanted as he went through his glove compartment, the back seat and eventually, his trunk. After a thorough search, he concluded that his Swiss army knife, flashlight, and reusable coffee mug were missing.

“You should tell campus security,” Andersmith suggested once the search had been completed.

“Yeah, I’m gonna do that,” Wash said, annoyed. Who the hell would have broken into his car? It’s not like they’d get a lot for the items they took. It would cost Wash more to fix the window, which he couldn’t afford.

Sighing, he got into his car and drove home, complaining bitterly as he did. That was just one more thing on his plate he didn’t need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts will be posted at the end to avoid spoilers.


	2. Chapter 2

2.

Wash knew he couldn’t sleep with a pillow over his ears. It just wouldn’t work. Besides, it did not drown out enough of Junior’s horrendous screeching. Tucker said he was teething and although Wash could remember when his youngest siblings were teething, they never screamed as much as this.

Tucker was in his bedroom trying to calm his son down and Wash could barely stand it anymore. He’d moved to the couch, hoping the crying might be quieter in the living room instead of his bedroom. It wasn’t.

“Make it stop,” Caboose moaned, loud enough that Wash could hear him in their room with the door closed.

Sighing, Wash got up and knocked on Tucker’s door. Unsurprisingly, the resident father didn’t hear it so Wash let himself in.

“How’s it going?” he asked, looking sadly at the screaming child in Tucker’s arms.

“About as bad as it’s been going for the past five hours,” Tucker snapped back, “I don’t know what to do. The meds didn’t work and I can’t stop his teeth from growing in.”

At that moment there was a loud knock on the door.

“Caboose,” Wash called. The knocking came again.

Wash sighed, annoyed, and answered the door himself. It was their neighbors at the door. Simmons did not look happy to be awake this late at night and Grif even less so.

“What are you doing, trying to kill the kid?” Grif asked.

“He’s teething,” Wash snapped back. He was not happy to be awake at that hour and even less pleased that they had shown up to complain about it.

“He’s been crying for hours.”

“I know. I’ve heard it.”

“Will someone shut that kid up?” Sarge called from inside the apartment.

“Look, if you have any advice, fine. Tucker would love to hear it. If not, then go back to your apartment and let us deal with it,” Wash said.

“Do you have a teething ring?” Donut asked, sticking his head outside the apartment. The man had some kind of facial mask on and Wash decided he didn’t want to ask why.

“A what?”

“A teething ring. You put it in the freezer and let the baby chew on it. It numbs their gums,” Donut explained, stepping outside.

“You could try brandy,” Simmons suggested.

“I think I’d like that more than the kid,” Grif said.

“We’d all like it more than Junior right now,” Wash replied, “What do you mean?”

“It’s an older trick but it might work,” Simmons explained, “Apparently it stops them from crying.”

“Tucker,” Wash called into the apartment over the screams, “Simmons says to use brandy.”

“Dude, I’d love to get drunk right now, but that won’t stop his crying,” Tucker shouted back.

“Not for you,” Wash replied, “Junior.”

“I’m not giving my kid alcohol before he’s ten!”

“Why is he a parent?” Grif asked.

“Give him some credit. He’s a single dad living _here_ and he’s doing the best he can,” Wash said before turning back to Simmons, “How would that work?”

“Let me look it up.” He wandered back inside the apartment.

“Is Doc still sleeping over?” Wash asked, trying to make conversation over Junior’s crying.

“Look, I know you’re trying to be friendly, but I can’t do it with that kid screaming,” Grif said and walked back inside just as Simmons returned with his laptop.

“Okay, so apparently you put some brandy on your finger and rub it on his gums,” Simmons explained.

“Is there a website for that?” Donut asked, looking over the other man’s shoulder. Simmons purposely held the laptop away from him, looking at his face and then back to the laptop.

“Do you have any brandy?” Wash asked.

“You’re three grown adults and you don’t have brandy in your apartment?” Simmons questioned.

“We don’t have any alcohol in this apartment,” Wash exclaimed.

“Why not?” Simmons asked.

“Caboose,” Wash, Donut, and Grif all said at once.

“Sarge might have some,” Simmons replied, “I’ll go take a look.” He returned to the apartment.

“I hope you can get him to stop crying,” Donut said, “It’s disrupting my sleeping schedule.” Wash looked at him, knowing he had it much worse than Donut did.

“Please, if Junior wasn’t keeping us awake, you and Doc would be,” Grif said, “You’re too fucking loud.”

“We were being quiet,” Donut said, “But baking can be a messy business sometimes.” Wash decided he didn’t want to know.

“Simmons!” Sarge called, “What are you doing with that?”

“The neighbors need it,” Simmons replied, loud enough that Wash could hear him in the hallway.

“I won’t have my food and drink going to the Blues!” Wash looked down at his pajamas. They were black with yellow check on the bottoms.

“Why are we the blues?” Wash asked.

Grif laughed, “No one fucking knows. All we know if that he hates you guys.”

“Well, Tucker tends to dress in teal and Caboose in navy blue,” Donut said, “And Church used to dress in sky blue, when he was here.” Wash knew about the guy he’d replaced. He’d moved closer to Carolina after she and Wash had returned from the war.

“If that’s the case, then you guys are the Reds,” Wash replied. Grif was almost always in orange, Simmons in maroon, Donut in pink and Sarge was in red.

“We don’t fucking color code ourselves,” Grif said before turning to Donut, “Do we?”

“Here you go,” Simmons said as he came back with a bottle of brandy.

“What’d you do, knock him out?” Grif asked.

“Simmons, get back here with that brandy!” There were angry footsteps approaching the door.

“Take it and run,” Simmons replied and Wash did. He slammed the apartment door closed and locked it before Sarge could come in. Wash heard knocking but ignored it.

“Take this,” Wash said, going into Tucker’s room and handing it over, “Put some on your fingers and rub it on his gums. Simmons said it should help.”

“Thanks, dude,” Tucker said before taking a huge swig. Wash was about to comment when Tucker put some of the brandy on his fingers.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Wash said and went back to his and Caboose’s bedroom. Suddenly, Junior’s crying stopped. Wash sighed, his body finally relaxing as the noise disappeared. He opened the door to his room and walked inside.

“Did he stop?” Caboose asked, looking up at Wash from under the covers.

“I hope so,” Wash replied, getting back into bed. Just as he laid down and got comfortable, Junior started screaming again. He groaned and pulled his pillow back over his head.

The door opened and the screaming reached a crescendo. Caboose and Wash jolted out of bed and looked at Tucker.

“Dude, it isn’t working,” Tucker said, “He must have a high tolerance or something.”

“Knowing his father, I’m not surprised,” Wash retorted, grabbing his wallet and keys off the nightstand, “I’ll go get him a teething ring. Walmart should still be open.”

“Dude, it’s 2 a.m.”

“And I’ll never get any sleep unless he stops crying,” Wash replied, “Besides, I want to pick up some things anyway. He grabbed his jeans off the floor and changed into them. His shirt was fine; no one would care.

“Yeah, your hair’s getting dark again,” Tucker teased, followed Wash out of the room, “Why do you bother with it anyway?”

“Never met anyone who dyed their hair?” Wash demanded.

“’Course, dude, but, you’re not really the type. Blond looks weird on you.”

“Whatever. Need anything else?”

“Do you want a friend?” Caboose asked, coming outside the room.

“Thanks, Caboose,” Wash said earnestly, “But I’ll be fine.”

Wash opened the door to the apartment and was immediately attacked with a nerf dart. He closed the door again. Tucker looked at him in bewilderment.

“What the fuck was that?”

“I’ll get that brandy back!” a gravelly voice yelled from the other side.

“Sarge,” Wash replied bluntly, “I’ll go out the fire escape.”

“Classic trick to avoid your one night stand’s boyfriend. Bow chicka wow wow,” Tucker commented. Wash decided he had nothing to say to that. He opened the window next to the kitchen and climbed out onto the fire escape. It was a rickety old thing that was definitely not up to code. But it kept the rent in the building cheap so no one seemed to care. Wash’s benefits didn’t even come close to covering the cost of a half-decent apartment in Chorus, thus, he was stuck with two annoying roommates in a not at all decent apartment.

Climbing down was effortless for a veteran so Wash reached the ground with no problem. He expected to hear Felix and Locus trying to drown out Junior’s crying in their own way but he didn’t. It was for the best; he didn’t want to have to listen to them once Junior stopped screaming. He needed to keep a tally of who kept him up the most nights. At least Tucker was quiet when he brought someone home and everyone knew Donut and Doc had something going on but Wash never heard anything from them. It was just their downstairs neighbors, but knowing how obnoxious Felix was, it made sense.

Wash walked into the parking lot and spotted his car. And the two people climbing inside it.

“Hey!” Wash shouted and they took off in the other direction. Wash chased them until he got to his car. The door was open.

“God damn it,” he muttered, looking inside. The driver’s side window had been smashed, a lovely compliment to the broken window on the other side. Wash had taped saran wrap over it to keep it dry and so he could see out of it but he still didn’t have the money to fix it. Now he needed to fix two windows.

“What did they take this time?” he asked as if his car would answer for him. Wash looked inside, trying to assess the damage. He’d had an unopened soda in the cup holder that was gone, as well as his Freelancer sweatshirt. He’d liked that sweatshirt. It had been one of a kind. York had had them made when he went on leave and handed them out to everyone when he got back.

He sighed angrily and climbed inside. He’d need to go see a mechanic about this. And file a police report. Wash was starting to think he was being targeted. It had only been a week since the incident on campus but it seemed odd to happen twice.

But by who did it? And for what reason? And why would they break _another_ window just to steal a soda and a sweatshirt?


	3. Chapter 3

3.

Wash sat at the kitchen table, caught between studying for his history exam and feeding Junior. Unfortunately, the oatmeal was going over as well as the peaches had. The little boy refused to let Wash feed him his dinner and he ended up wearing more than he was eating.

Wash didn’t look at the door when it opened but focused on Junior instead. “Come on. Just one bite,” he begged but Junior turned his face away.

“Hello Wash!” Caboose called.

“Hey, Caboose,” Wash replied.

“What are you doing?” Caboose asked. Wash looked up at his apartment-mate. He still in his work uniform from the supermarket but just as chipper as ever.

“The impossible,” Wash responded, as Junior swatted his hand away. Some of the oatmeal spilled onto the tray. Wash sighed as he refilled the spoon. Why had this become normal to him?

“What do we have for dinner?” Caboose questioned as he moved to the fridge.

“Junior’s formula and cereal,” Wash answered, reading a line of his textbook before attempting to get Junior to eat.

“That doesn’t sound very good,” Caboose replied, frowning at the blond.

“Why don’t you get changed?” Wash suggested, “Once Tucker gets back we can figure out what to do for dinner.”

“Okay,” Caboose agreed and hurried off to their bedroom. At least one roommate in the apartment was easy to deal with.

“Come on, Junior,” Wash tried to reason with the baby, “Be good for your uncle?” The boy started crying in response. Sighing, Wash got Junior out of the high chair and decided to give up on the oatmeal. He knew the kid must be starving but he didn’t want to eat anything.

“Calm down,” Wash said soothingly, as he grabbed the kid’s formula from the fridge. Once it was in a bottle, Junior greedily grabbed it and started drinking. Wash was just glad he’d stopped crying.

At that moment, the front door flew open and Tucker rushed inside. He had at least four nerf darts stuck to him.

“Did we give the brandy back?” Tucker asked, “Sarge is not happy with us.”

“Is he ever?” Caboose questioned as he left the bedroom, dressed in a dark blue tee shirt and jeans.

“You drank it all after Junior fell asleep,” Wash said, “Remember when he cried all night because he was teething?”

“Oh yeah,” Tucker replied, walking over to collect his son, “Thanks for getting the teething ring, Wash.”

He shrugged in reply and handed the baby over. “Your son is more high maintenance than you are.”

“I’m high maintenance?” Tucker asked, “Coming from Mr. I-need-this-exact-shade-of-blond-to-hide-my-dull-ass-brown-hair?”

“You’ve never dyed your hair?” Wash asked, unamused.

“Used to, sure. Don’t have the money for it now. Well, right now I do. Just got paid.” Tucker held up the check proudly.

“Great,” Wash said, returning to his textbook, “Make sure to buy another brandy and give it to Sarge. And we need groceries. Do you think you could loan me some money?”

Tucker replied, “I’m not supporting your hair habit.”

“It’s not for dye,” Wash snapped. He still had enough to last a few weeks. “It’s for my car. Someone busted two windows in the past week.”

“I saw your car,” Tucker said, “It looked fine.”

“I taped saran wrap over the windows.”

“Seriously, dude?” Tucker asked in disbelief.

“Better than being pulled over for not having windows,” Wash replied, “Can I borrow the money or not?”

“If there’s enough, sure. That’s our only car; we can’t have it impounded.”

“Thanks,” Wash looked up from his book and actually smiled at Tucker. The father gave him a smile back and then sat on the couch to tend to his son.

“Once I’ve fed Junior, you want to go out to eat?” Tucker asked.

“You made that much?” Wash asked.

“Do I ever make that much? But we have nothing to eat here and you’ve had a rough week. Let’s do something fun for once.”

“We’re going out?” Caboose said, glancing at Wash hopefully. Looking at his two apartment mates, Wash closed the textbook.

“Sure,” Wash said, “Tucker is paying after all.”

“When did I say that?” After a bit of arguing and another fifteen minutes spent trying to calm Junior down after all the shouting, they were finally ready to go.

Wash unlocked the door before deciding to look through the peephole. He couldn’t see Sarge outside but that didn’t mean he wasn’t there.

“Caboose, you go first,” Tucker said, understanding Wash’s caution.

“Okay,” he said and opened the door.

“Caboose, wait,” Wash started but it was too late. Caboose took off down the hall screaming as he was pelted with Nerf darts.

“Take that you dirty Blue!” Tucker and Wash heard Sarge shout. They also heard Grif snickering.

“We’ll get you some replacement brandy tonight,” Tucker shouted but Sarge didn’t reply, “Now how are we gonna get out of here? I’m not going down the fire escape with Junior.”

“I got this,” Wash said, going back to his room. He hadn’t wanted to break this out, but desperate times called for desperate measures. Besides, he needed to avenge Caboose.

Under his bed, Wash kept the Nerf machine gun and pistol his sister had left when she’d visited. Many a time, Wash had had Nerf battles with his siblings and his time in the military had only perfected his aim.

He walked back out into the living room and Tucker stared at him in awe. “You’ve had that all this time? You know how useful those could’ve been?”

“I only wanted to use these in the event of an emergency. Hold this.” Wash handed off the machine gun to Tucker, who held it in one hand and Junior with the other. Wash loaded and cocked the pistol, positioning himself on the wall next to the door. Through the crack of the open door, he could see Sarge positioned to fire.

In one quick motion, Wash moved outside and fired two rounds. Sarge dropped the gun in shock as the darts hit him. “What the?”

“Give me the gun,” Wash yelled. Tucker handed it over without a word. Wash aimed it at their neighbor’s door, covering Tucker’s escape. “Move it.”

Tucker ran out of the apartment and down the stairs, not stopping to see if Wash needed help. Sarge had moved back inside the apartment and it looked like the other residents weren’t playing backup.

Wash closed their apartment door and slowly backed up down the hallway, never losing sight of the doorway. Sarge never reemerged, but Wash heard him say, “Crazy son of a bitch shot me in the eye.”

“Well, you kind of deserved it,” Grif replied.

“Shut up, Grif,” Sarge snapped back.

At the staircase, Wash turned around and hurried down. He could throw the gun into the trunk of his car, to hopefully prevent it from being stolen. Once he got to the ground floor, he saw Tucker and Caboose waiting for him. Why was his life so fucked up? He'd hoped it wouldn't continue into his civilian life.

“You shot him in the eye,” Tucker said in amazement.

“Is he hurt?” Caboose asked. He had about ten darts stuck to his clothes and in his hair but he was otherwise unharmed.

“Not too badly,” Wash replied, “Let’s just get something to eat.”

“Let’s do it,” Tucker agreed. They made their way out to the parking lot and Wash spotted his car. Once again, there were two people standing by his car, one on either side. He couldn’t see them well in the dark but they had the car’s rear doors open.

“Not again,” Wash said as he sprinted to the car. Caboose and Tucker ran after him. The two robbers heard the noise and took off into the night.

“Why do you always break into my car?!” Wash shouted after them, “You know I don’t have anything in there!”

“Dude, calm down,” Tucker said, holding Junior close to him. He put a hand on Wash’s shoulder.

“Tell the police. They’ll help,” Caboose said with a grin.

Wash shook his head. “They saw my car and found out my address and told me it was my own damn fault for being poor. Didn’t even want to finish the report.” He looked over his damaged car. Both windows in the backseat had been smashed in. Why these idiots hadn’t just ripped the saran wrap off the front two windows, Wash just didn’t know.

“Caboose and I will get some more saran wrap and tape to fix it,” Tucker said, grabbing the other man by his arm, “You see if anything got stolen.”

“Okay,” Wash said. As the two men turned to leave, he said, “Wait.” They turned back. “Take this.” He handed the machine gun off to Caboose.

“You sure that’s a good idea,” Tucker asked.

“Would you rather hold the gun and he hold Junior?” Wash asked.

“Good point,” Tucker agreed, “Come on, Caboose.”

“Okay.” The other man followed behind happily with the Nerf machine gun.

Wash opened the driver’s side door and took a look inside. Ever since the first two robberies, he’d been keeping even less stuff in the car. But his coffee was gone. Wash almost laughed at that. They’d stolen his six hour old coffee cup. Besides that, the book he’d been keeping in the car was gone. Grif had given him Donut’s copy of Fifty Shades of Grey to hold onto until he and Simmons could burn it. Wash had read the first two chapters and had been too horrified to keep going. He didn’t mind that the book was gone and he doubted Grif would either.

By the time Tucker and Caboose returned, Wash had concluded that those were the only items missing.

“This is weird,” Tucker said, “Two people break into your car three times and barely steal anything.”

“They can keep the book,” Wash said, “But I’d like some of the other things back.”

“Maybe they need them,” Caboose suggested.

“They _definitely_ needed my empty thermos and old coffee cup,” Wash sighed as he patched up his crap car. It looked even worse with all four windows covered in saran wrap but it would have to do.

“Let’s go,” he said, getting Junior’s car seat out of the truck. Miraculously, it had not been taken.

“Is this even street legal anymore?” Tucker asked, as he buckled Junior into the car seat.

“I’m not sure it ever was,” Wash replied.

“We’ll get a nice breeze,” Caboose said optimistically, getting into the backseat.

“Only if they blow out the wind shield next time,” Wash stated and got behind the wheel. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. Whoever these assholes were, they were going to pay next time they tried to break into his car.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got darker than I expected. Still mostly has the light-hearted atmosphere of the other chapters but I also go a bit into Wash's war days.

+1.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” Wash chanted as he got ready. He’d overslept by half an hour and he had a math test in twenty minutes. It was worth thirty percent of his grade. He couldn’t miss it.

“Dude, not in front of the kid,” Tucker said as he fed Junior. The boy was having much more fun gnawing on his teething ring than actually trying to eat any of the food his father was offering.

“You curse in front of him more than I do,” Wash replied, tying his sneakers. He grabbed his Nerf pistol which he kept by the door and opened the door, aiming the gun at their neighbor’s apartment. But the door was closed and the bottle of brandy they’d left outside was gone. Maybe Sarge had finally been appeased.

“Hurry, dude, don’t wanna be late,” Tucker said. Wash threw the gun on the couch and bolted down the hallway. He definitely didn’t want to be late. Not with thirty percent of his grade on the line.

He was lucky that he didn’t hear Locus and Felix going at it when he reached the first floor. On a normal day, he’d hear Felix screaming a detailed account about who was doing what to whom but it was silent. Good. The man never seemed to shut up so it was a blessing when he did. Wash never wanted to hear it anyway.

He’d parked his car closer to the building to deter whoever had been breaking in. As far as Wash could see, the wind shield hadn’t been blown out yet and the saran wrap had held. He opened up the driver’s side and climbed in, throwing his backpack into the back seat in the same motion.

“Ow!”

Wash froze. Slowly, he turned around, to see Felix staring at him from the backseat.

“Do you mind? I’m trying to sleep.” he complained.

“Do you mind? You’re in my fucking car!” Wash exclaimed, “Why are you in my car?”

“The police searched our apartments so we thought it best that we weren’t there,” Felix replied.

“Shut up,” Locus said, sitting up as well. Wash was starting to wonder how he missed seeing both them in his backseat.

“So why my car?” Wash asked as he realized that Locus was wearing his Freelancer sweatshirt. “Wait, that’s mine. You’re the ones who broke into my car all those times!”

“We steal from the ones we like,” Felix said.

“That’s just you,” Locus corrected.

“Get the hell out of my car,” Wash said, “I have a math test in twenty minutes.”

“What kind of nerd are you that you’re still in college?” Felix asked, crossing his arms.

“I’m not going to have this argument with someone who broke into my car. Get the fu-” Wash stopped when Felix lined up a blade to his throat. Wash recognized his Swiss Army knife. They’d really taken everything. His neighbors were the assholes who’d broken into his car three times.

“Now you listen to us,” Locus said and Wash realized just how scary his voice was in this situation, “We need to leave.”

“And you’re gonna help us,” Felix continued, lightly dragging the blade across Wash’s throat, “You’re gonna drive us out of town.”

“It’s thirty percent of my grade,” Wash whined, “I can’t miss it.”

“You’re going to,” Locus said, getting out of the backseat and getting into the front.

“Why do you get shotgun?” Felix asked.

“So you can keep the knife on him,” Locus said before turning to Wash, “Drive.”

“Where?”

“Anywhere but here,” Felix replied. Knowing he didn’t really have a choice, Wash started up the car, mumbling angrily when he had to turn the key four times before it actually started.

“Your car is a piece of crap,” Felix said.

“Threaten someone richer next time,” Wash replied, unsure of why he was being so sassy when he could feel the point of the knife on his neck.

“But we like you, Wash,” Felix teased.

“What is this, some fucked up courtship?” Wash asked. Truth be told, he was reminded more of a dog urinating on their territory. Of course, that made Locus and Felix the dogs and him the fire hydrant.

“Well?” Locus asked and Wash realized he’d been lost in his head.

“Right,” he said and pulled out of the parking lot. “Where are you going?”

“Out of town?” Felix suggested, “Anywhere but here.”

“Can I ask what you did?” Wash asked. He stopped at an intersection for a red light.

“No,” Locus replied. There was a few moments of silence.

“Why is it so cold in here?” Felix asked, “Give me your sweatshirt, Locus.” The light turned green and Wash drove on.

Locus sighed before he replied, “No.”

“Actually, it’s _my_ sweatshirt,” Wash stated, “And it wouldn’t be cold if you two hadn’t broken all of my windows.”

“You should get them fixed,” Felix suggested, “Anyone could break in.”

“I wouldn’t need to if you hadn’t broken them in the first place,” Wash replied, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. Better than trying to wring Felix’s neck, which is what he wanted to do.

“At least we finally get to spend some time together, Wash,” Felix said and Wash could feel his hand on his shoulder. “Say, what’cha got in your backpack?”

“Don’t you dare!” Wash snapped and the car started weaving.

“Focus, Wash,” Locus said. Wash focused back on the road, fantasizing about the different ways he could kill Felix.

“Damn, you’re tense,” Felix said, leaning forward so his head was between the seats.

“Are you wearing your seatbelt?” Locus asked.

“What do you think?”

“Sit back and put it on,” Locus ordered.

“We’ve already stolen, broken into this car multiple times, and kidnapped a man. I’m _so scared_ a cop will see me without a seatbelt and pull us over!” Felix leaned back before adding, “Now that I think about it, this is like when I was seducing you.”

“This is your attempt at seduction?” Wash asked.

“Yeah,” Felix replied.

“And you honestly thought it would work?”

“I got Locus into bed.” Both men in the front seat sighed. Wash decided that he already liked Locus better than Felix. The man sitting next to him was much calmer, much quieter, and, to Wash’s dismay, quite handsome. He had long, silky brown hair, intense brown eyes and dark skin marked with scratches and scars. It only made him that much more alluring to look at. Wash didn’t know much about Locus, except that he mostly kept to himself and could please Felix like nobody’s business.

“Is there something wrong?” Locus asked, noticing Wash staring at him.

“I know that much,” Wash answered Felix, focusing back on the road, electing to ignore Locus’s comment, “We can hear you on the third floor.”

“And we can hear the boy on the first floor,” Locus replied.

“Junior? So you were awake too the other night when he was crying.”

“Yeah, we couldn’t sleep. So we broke into your car.”

“Oh, yeah,” Wash said, remembering that night, “Where did you go after I chased you off?”

“A friend’s,” Felix replied, leaning back into the front seat, resting his elbows on the seats, “You know, Locus, I’m pretty sure Sharky burned that couch.”

“Do I want to know what you did to the couch?” Wash asked. He also wanted to know what kind of person got the nickname “Sharky” but then he realized that it would have suited Carolina pretty well so he said nothing.

“No,” Locus replied, glaring at Felix. Felix looked at him petulantly, sticking out his lower lip in a pout.

Wash realized that he wasn’t bad to look at either. He had several piercings in his face, soft looking lips, and multiple scars as well. While Felix was definitely attractive, his constant chatter made him made him impossible to like for more than twenty seconds at a time.

Felix smiled at Wash like the cat who’d eaten the canary, “It’s not so much what we did _to_ the couch as what we did _on_ the couch.”

“Yeah, let’s just stick with no,” Wash replied.

“Are you sure? Maybe if you heard about-”

“Felix!” Locus and Wash said in unison.

Felix huffed in annoyance. “Fine. I’ll shut up.”

“Thank god,” Locus said.

“But do you really want me to be quiet? You like hearing me talk. You know it,” Felix snapped back.

“Felix, I will seriously pay you to shut up,” Locus said, taking out his wallet.

“That’s not your money,” Felix replied with a smirk. Wash decided not to ask who they stole it from. His wallet was still in his pocket so at least it wasn’t him.

“But it could be yours for five minutes of silence,” Locus stated.

“Mmmm, no deal,” Felix teased.

“Fine,” Locus said, putting his wallet away.

“Whatever, you want me.”

“I only want you out of my car,” Wash replied.

“It’s only a matter of time,” Felix said, “I’m irresistible.” Locus made a strange noise that transitioned into a cough.

“Shut up,” Felix replied.

“We don’t need to complicate this relationship,” Wash said, “You kidnapped me, I’m driving you out of town, and that’s the end of it.”

“You have a comfy back seat. It’s a good place,” he leaned towards Wash and whispered, “for a threesome.” Wash tensed so much the car swerved again.

“Felix,” Locus snapped, “he’s driving.”

“I’m trying to get him into bed. That’s more than you’re doing.”

“We’re trying to out of town. Sit back.” Dejected, Felix leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms petulantly.

They went one block in peace. One entire block where Felix kept his mouth shut and there was no sound but the hum of the car engine.

Wash knew that the two were weird. They had never attempted to be friendly with their neighbors and their reputation around the building stemmed from their sex life. Wash had never seen them acting like a couple but it was hard to deny that they were a couple with the amount of bickering that had happened in the car. Truly, it was amusing to listen to, even if Felix was an annoying pain in the ass.

“Can this car go any faster?” Felix asked once they had gone a block.

“If you wanted a fast car you should have robbed a richer person,” Wash replied, “This car stalls if you go more than fifty miles per hour.”

“Seriously?” Felix asked, “Fifty miles per hour? You need a new car. Locus, we’re getting him a car.”

“We can’t afford our own car,” Locus replied.

“We’ll steal one. Drop us off at the next dealership.”

“Oh god,” Wash said, “Don’t steal a car. I don’t want to be involved in this.”

“Too late,” Locus muttered.

“Yeah,” Wash replied.

They were finally leaving Chorus and getting on the highway. Wash figured that if he drove past a few exits and dropped them off in a random town, he could drive back and maybe get to class with enough time to pass the test. Anything was better than missing an exam without an excuse.

“So once I get you out of town, you’ll let me go, right?” Wash asked, interrupting the criminals’ argument over the correct way to acquire a car.

“No,” Felix said, leaning forward again, “We don’t want to give you up that easy.”

“I have an exam,” Wash protested weakly, “Why do you even want me?”

"Well, you're fucking attractive," Felix said, "That blond hair suits you." Wash sighed.

“And besides, you’re different from everyone else in that building,” Felix continued, “Everyone else acts like life a joke. You don’t.”

“Well it isn’t,” Wash replied.

“You were in the military,” Locus stated.

“Yeah. I saw a lot of shit.”

“We’ve seen a lot of shit too,” Felix said, “It’s not easy to go through that. We realize what you’re going through.”

“You were soldiers,” Wash asked.

“Yes,” Locus replied.

“But we saw a lot of shit even before the war,” Felix spoke, “We understand.”

“No,” Wash said, “No, you really don’t.” They wouldn’t know what he’d gone through, how much he was trying to recover. How could they get that?

“What’s your name?” Felix asked.

“Wash.”

“Your real name.”

“What’s yours?”

“Felix.”

“And mine’s Wash. You can look at my driver’s license.”

“Which pocket is it in?” Felix asked, trying to feel for his wallet, moving his hand from Wash’s hip to his groin. He was turning crimson, he knew it.

“Felix, stop distracting him,” Locus reprimanded, “He’s drifting.”

“Damn,” Wash said, getting back to his lane. These two couldn’t leave the car fast enough. He didn’t like where their conversation was going.

“Why are you criminals?” Wash asked because he had absolutely nothing to lose.

“You can’t always leave the shit behind,” Felix said simply, “Maybe over time, you don’t want to leave. Maybe you grow to like it.”

“Oh my god, you’re a psychopath,” Wash said.

“That’s a little harsh,” Felix looked insulted by his comment, “But hey, look at all the crimes we committed while we were at war. That was only the start. Wash, we were criminals long before we came back. Tell me you guys didn’t do anything that was wrong.”

“No we didn’t,” Wash insisted. He was lying and he knew it. Sometimes C.T. really made him think. About all the things she did to them because she was convinced they were on the wrong side. She’d died for her beliefs. And Locus and Felix were making him think about her and everything she stood for. When there was silence from the two men, he glanced over at them. Both of them were giving him a _look_.

“Look, Wash, we know what goes on during war. Were you betrayed? Accidently kill people you weren’t supposed to? Told someone was an enemy when they weren’t?” Felix asked, “That is just the beginning. How about watching your friends die? Our whole squad got wiped out, except for the two of us.”

“I’m sorry,” Wash said, trying not to think about his squad. How they all died except for him and Carolina. And they hadn’t emerged scot-free but in a war, who did? Wash did wonder if they had been on the right side. Why did these two have to bring this up? Why did they seem to understand?

“What happened to you?” Locus asked.

“Can we stop talking?” Wash asked.

“Come on, if you can trade stories with anyone, it’d be us,” Felix insisted.

“I really don’t wanna talk about it.” Somehow, they got it. And that scared him.  

“Fine,” Locus replied, “Felix?”

“But I want to talk,” Felix said.

“Silence won’t kill you,” Locus told him.

“How do we know? I’ve never been quiet long enough to test it.”

“Oh my god,” Wash sighed. At least the mood was lightening. There was an exit approaching and Wash took it. Locus and Felix were too busy arguing about the value of silence to notice.

Wash didn’t recognize the town they were driving into. He hadn’t been too far outside Chorus and he had no idea where he was in respect to the college. He was already ten minutes late for the test.

At the first gas station, he pulled in next to a pump. He parked the car, opened the door, got out, and waited for his passengers to notice that they’d stopped. That took another two minutes.

Felix opened up his door and looked up at Wash. “You need gas or something.”

“No,” Wash replied nonchalantly.

“Then why did you get out?”

“Because if you two don’t leave this car right now, I’ll go call the cops on you.”

“We’ll take your car,” Felix threatened.

“Good luck,” Wash said, showing them the keys in his hand, “And if you manage to get it anyway, I’ll just report the car.”

“We’ll find you again,” Locus said darkly.

“Try me,” Wash replied, “I’m not afraid of you. But right now, you’re at a disadvantage. If I scream, everyone here will notice. Besides, I _was_ in the military.”

“So were we,” Felix snapped back.

“It’s your choice,” Wash said, leaning against the pump. The two criminals looked at each other. They started whispering to each other but quickly came to a decision. Resigned, they got out of the car.

“Happy?” Felix demanded.

“More so than you think,” Wash replied, “And back give me my sweatshirt.”

“No,” Felix said.

“Fine,” Wash stated, “I’ll just add my possessions to the police report.”

“You will see us again,” Locus said as he moved to where Felix was standing.

“We are neighbors,” Wash said as he got back inside his car. Closing and locking his door, he started the car on the first try. He looked to Locus and Felix as he drove away. Locus looked unhappy to be stranded but Felix made the phone symbol with his hand and brought it to his ear, mouthing “call me” before nodding enthusiastically.

Wash didn’t have his number. He had no idea what he meant.

-

“Wash, you’re home,” Caboose said excitedly. He was cooking something and Tucker was preparing more of Junior’s formula. Considering the fact that the boy was nowhere to be seen and was quiet, he was probably having a nap.

“Dude, don’t you have class?” Tucker asked.

“Yeah,” Wash replied, “But I got kidnapped.”

“Dude, what?” Tucker said, “Was it your robbers?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, who were they?”

“Locus and Felix.”

Tucker shrugged. “Makes sense.”

Wash took a minute to digest that. “What?”

“They run a gang, Wash. Never heard of the Mercs before?” Wash shook his head.

“They have a lot of friends,” Caboose explained, “They visit the supermarket a lot.”

“They _rob_ the supermarket a lot,” Tucker corrected, “They kidnapped you and you’re okay? That’s a first.”

“Yeah,” Wash said, deciding not to say anything about Felix’s flirting. Or about the fact that he found Felix’s number in the backseat.

“You should call the police,” Tucker suggested.

“I already did,” Wash replied, “I just need to email my professor.”

“I bet he’s heard that story before,” Tucker sarcastically before laughing. Wash didn’t comment and went back to his room.

Once the door was closed and he was alone, Wash looked at the sheet of paper. He knew he should give it to the police but he didn’t want to.

Locus and Felix were crazy. But they did understand. No one seemed to understand, not even his therapist. And they were attractive. And at least Locus was good in bed. He knew he shouldn’t feel attracted to them, and he was starting to wonder if he was crazy.

But Wash memorized the number. Then he tore the paper until it was nothing more than confetti. Maybe someday it would come in handy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompts include:  
> [Why do you always break into my car yknow I don’t got anything in there](http://a-writing-trickster-angel.tumblr.com/post/129666523456/troublemakerscriminal-aus)  
> [‘I got in my car and you were sleeping in the backseat who the hell are you and how did you get into my car’ au](http://a-writing-trickster-angel.tumblr.com/post/119796748841/theappleppielifestyle-i-got-in-my-car-and-you)
> 
> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a kudos or comment to make a writer's day! Happy Holidays. :)


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